We're here at what was until recently the home of GTV-9, 22 Bendigo Street, Richmond, and what could be a more appropriate place to host these awards than a building that's been a piano factory, a soup factory, a smarm factory, and will soon be raised to the ground to build a bunch of apartments - no doubt to be haunted by the cast of Canal Road. Well, the ghosts of their careers at least.
But before the demolition crew moves in, let's have a look around the room and see what dazzling stars of Australian entertainment have bothered to turn up. My goodness, there are people here I thought had died!
CUT TO DERRYN HINCH.
Now come on, Derryn's a sick man, that's not fair. Even if it is exactly what happened in the show these awards are supposed to be parodying. Anyway, to help me out tonight we have one of the bright young stars of GTV-9, Mr Eddie McGuire!
EDDIE: G'day Bert, good onya mate, it's great to be here. You know, Australia's comedians really are the best in the world. And that's what we're here to celebrate - Australia's best comedy.
BERT: Have you read the script of this show, Eddie?
EDDIE: I don't read scripts, Bert. I figure if it gets a bit dull we just do a joke questioning someone's sexuality - that always gets a laugh on GTV-9. And Triple M. And around the dinner table. In fact it's that sort of comedy that will probably see me take out one of these awards tonight.
BERT: Well, good luck to you Eddie, and let's see if you're right. And as always we start the show with Worst Newcomer...