Welcome to the Australian Tumblies awards for 2007. A night where the old bad comedy of the Howard era is put to the sword, and the new bad comedy of my era, the Kevin Rudd era, is threatened with sword-type implements of different kinds. Different sorts of sabres. Before I start talking about Australian comedy, its past and present, its future and...things, I want to talk more about how fond I am of latches. Yes it's true. I think latches are really terrific. I come from Queensland and that is certainly a very good place for latches. We're swimming in latches up here in Queensland. Always handy when you want to keep doors shut, latches.

My favourite type of latch would be the spring latch. I grew up really loving spring latches. I would walk past cows playing with various spring latches. I would get spring latches for birthdays, Christmas, they were things I really loved. Had I not become involved in politics I imagine I would have gotten a job making spring latches. I would have loved perfecting the single throw bolt, testing it on things. Fastening doors for instance. Anyway.

The slam latch is good as well but I am not a slam latch man. That's quite a catchy phrase Therese, write it down would you? Use it for the next campaign.

Latches probably top my top list of great things I love. They are not the only things I love but they are pretty good, for sure. Another thing I like is the rock group Axiom. Brian Cadd, Glen Shorrock, 'Little Ray of Sunshine' - that is good quality music. That is the sort of music you want to listen to after a nice night of fastening your doors with a good, I don’t know, maybe a rotary ratch? I mean latch there, not ratch. Don’t know what a ratch is. Probably a sort of rodent, blue fur or something. Ratch.

But yes, my friends, there is a lot to talk about. As you know I am from Caboolture, in Queensland. There is a lot about Caboolture to talk about. For instance, did you know that TV comedian Chris Lilley has a new character based on Caboolture? Not just the environment, but the farmers. A lot of farmers in Caboolture. Most of them farm things like asparagus. Which is sometimes green? Which is another of my top things. It goes, so far, latches, Brian Cadd, Axiom, China, John Laws and...I don't know. Probably the word "ratch" now I have just thought of it. Good word.

Another thing I want to talk more about now I am PM: I'm very fond of the chameleon Chris Lilley. I watched Summer Heights High constantly during 2007. I constantly asked myself, as I watched that programme, what can't Chris Lilley do? Therese asked herself the same thing and her answer was something like, what was it Therese? Something like "ski" or something wasn't it? I remember it was very funny. As for my answer? Probably form Axiom. Brian Cadd already did that. But Chris Lilley could always reform Axiom, play the roles of Cadd and Shorrock. He could pretty much do just about anything he wanted to do. Do you know why? Because Chris Lilley is what we call in Caboolture, 'A Chameleon'. They are rare. You get to know them when you see them. Unless they are in disguise, hiding in a rock band as a drunken drummer. Then you tend not to notice them at all because they are good at disguises, chameleons.

Minutes ago I received a call from John Howard. He congratulated me on my first few months as Prime Minster and we tried to talk about things like lawn mowers for a while but it didn’t work really. He also talked incessantly about Patrol Boat, the old ABC TV series. He talked about Patrol Boat for about fifteen minutes. I had to start talking in Mandarin to shut him up but even that didn't work. For the interested out there, I said, in Mandarin, something, something, neeee...something. Like that. Again, it didn't put him off, Patrol Boat this, Robert Coleby that, on and on. Interestingly I don't know what "neee..." means. Probably food or something...nuts. But yes, John Howard, obsessed with Patrol Boat and the regular villains in Patrol Boat, they were always the parrot smugglers. He urged me to make the prevention of parrot smuggling in northern Australia my number one priority. I don’t know about number one. I'd think something relating to keeping doors in a pleasant fastened state might be a better idea. Dead bolt latch? Not a bad idea actually. Write that one down, Therese.

Something I also want to add, I didn't make election promises lightly. When I promised that a Labor Government would reduce emissions from Daryl Somers by 40% by the year 2020, I meant it. I don't think for a second we'll achieve it of course. Daryl's rotting body of work has long since seeped into the ground water from where new comics are emerging, but oh ho. You have to try don't you. I don't care if we have to give John Blackman a pet show on the ABC, with Chris Lilley playing all the pets, we will reduce Somers emissions, clear the air a bit, and hope to God some good comedy emerges as the architect of Chook Lotto is drained. Actually that isn't a bad idea, write that down Therese. Good word, "drained". Very good word. And, just had another idea... What if we get the ABC to commission another series of Carbon Cops? But with Chris Lilley as the hot water systems that get thrown in the harbour? Write that one down too.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy what follows. A really terrific awards night, hopefully a few bits about Axiom, maybe even some Patrol Boat content for the Andrew McFarlane fan? I think there is also a fair bit about how bloody awful most Australian comedy is nowadays. Not sure. I assume this is the case. Since I got elected I have mainly been reading about Axiom and The Little River Band. Did you know John Farnham was in The Little River Band? Shorrock got the hump after a while, probably because nothing they did was as good as Axiom's 'Little Ray of Sunshine'. Well, of course not Glenn! No Cadd.

Anyway, enjoy the 2007 Tumblies awards! And vote for me in the future! Kevin 11! Unlatch your doors, I'm about to come door knocking! I do honestly in the end think that a latch on a door is the best approach if you want your door fastened. But don't use compression latches. Anyway...

Sincerely

Kevin Rudd
Prime Minister of Australia