O'BRIEN
Welcome to page 4. At this point we'd hoped to reveal the results of the award for Most Irritating or Pointless Cameo, but we're still trying to stop Mick Molloy for setting fire to that Tumbleweeds Confidential tape...

SEVERAL MEMBERS OF THE CREW ARE TRYING TO WRESTLE MICK MOLLOY TO THE GROUND.

CUT TO RAY MARTIN ON A SET THAT APPEARS TO HAVE BEEN IN USE SINCE THE EARLY 80's.

JACOBS
Ha, ha! Look at the cloud over there, behind that building! Ha, it's sort of blueish. Might be hail, hey? Now I'm going to throw an orange at a lady over the road. Congratulations lady, you have won a car! Oh, no you haven't, you've been hit by an orange! Ha, ha, ha! And look at that other cloud? Ah, yes... And it will snow in Perth. Back to you, Ray.

CUT BACK TO KERRY O'BRIEN.

	MOST IRRITATING OR POINTLESS CAMEO Matt Lucas on Kath & Kim - 50.00% Was better when he played mellotron in Nick Barker and the Reptiles. Why bother crossing Little Britain with Kath & Kim when you could just broadcast an annoying screeching tone for half an hour? - 13 schoolyards Matt Lucas' appearance on Neighbours was worse, but I'll vote for him any way I can. - Moribunderast Matt Lucas worse as a cameo on series 4 of Kath & Kim than Rob "Grinning Inanely For A Cheque" Sitch? Well, OK. But I'm doing this for Little Britain Abroad. I mean that Thai ladyboy character. What were they thinking...? - TV's Ben Baker NOMINEES Nikki Webster on Thank God You're Here - 33.33% The Veronicas on Thank God You're Here - 16.67% Last year's winners: Kath & Kim hanging around Barry Humphries Kate Fischer and Annalise Braakensick on The Chaser's War on Everything

13 SCHOOLYARDS
Fairly predictable results there, Kerry, but cameos don't have to be painful to watch. Consider Tony Martin's cameo in Crackerjack: it was fun to see Mick Molloy and Tony Martin together again and then Tony went on to provide some much-appreciated background comedy. Good cameos work because they're something extra: Matt Lucas on Kath & Kim felt more like a cross-promotion forced on the show by the PR department, no matter how much all concerned said they respected and admired each other's work. The trouble was that Lucas brought nothing new to the show: he played an unlikeable clone of the already unlikeable Kim and as the regular Kim was still around, we got...double the Kim. Yay. Because in 2007, comedy really does mean horrible people insulting everyone around them.

And Thank God You're Here is supposed to be a pretty simple set-up: a celebrity has to act their way out of a situation. When they start throwing in extra celebrities, the whole thing falls apart: the focus shifts off the original celebrity, the situation comes to a halt while the audience cheers and the show's already thin pretence of being anything more than a celebrity showcase vaporises before the viewer's eyes. Not that Working Dog can ever say no to a celebrity: if Thank God You're Here returns in 2008, it'll probably feature musical numbers between acts.

MICHAEL PARKINSON WALKS SUDDENLY ON SET TO MAKE A CAMEO APPEARANCE. HE SEEMS TO BE SEARCHING FOR ANDREW DENTON IN THE CROWD, THEN WAVES AT NOBODY IN PARTICULAR, STANDS STILL FOR A BIT AND WALKS OFF STAGE.

	MOST BLATANT PLAGIARISM The Chaser ripping off The Mick Molloy Show, The Late Show, Tony Martin in general, Michael Moore, John Safran, Aaron Barschak, Roy Slaven and Channel 31's The Ugly Stick - 75.00% What we've learnt from watching other comedies. I wondered how they got away with it, then I realised that Chaser fans simply don't watch any other comedy, if they did, they'd realise they were watching shit. - 13 schoolyards It's a tight one between Lilley and The Chaser here. Whilst Lilley is obviously a Gervais clone, The Chaser stole elements from so many shows that it would be perhaps harder to notice. Not the case and, in my opinion, the sheer volume of stolen ideas in The Chaser's War On Everything puts them over the top in this category. - Moribunderast There may not be any new jokes under the sun, but the sheer scale and audacity of The Chaser's plagiarism is breathtaking. - Bean Is A Carrot NOMINEES Chris Lilley ripping off his old material and Ricky Gervais - 16.67% Other Austereo programmes ripping off Get This - 8.33% Last year's winner: The Ronnie Johns Half Hour ripping off Chopper Read

O'BRIEN
Well, the winner of this award is The Chaser and we'll soon be crossing to our special commentator for his thoughts on that in a minute, but in the meantime Antony can you give us your thoughts on the runners up?

GREEN
Yes Kerry. Well, Chris Lilley is the boss of Chris Lilley: just look at the credits of Summer Heights High. So no-one can tell Chris Lilley that maybe, just maybe, the jokes about how high school musicals are often shithouse are getting a bit stale. He did one on Big Bite. He did one on We Can Be Heroes. He did one on Summer Heights High. Then he had Ja'ime do a few more. Oh and he did one on The Logies as well. And now he's talking about doing a stage show, just to make sure we all get the joke. Thanks Chris. Might have missed that if you hadn't pointed it out.

And no-one would complain about Austereo programmes ripping off Get This if they were ripping off the right stuff. Stealing their approach to comedy - that if you talk about things you find funny, chances are you'll be funny - would be something to applaud. But simply stealing their jokes, then waiting a few days in the hope that people would forget where they heard it first, is wasting everyone's time. Plus what are they going to do for funny now Get This is gone?

O'BRIEN
Thanks Antony and I think we're just about ready to cross to our special commentator in the Tally Room...

JUDGE COMEDY, THE COMEDY JUDGE, APPEARS, ROBED-UP AND GAVEL-WIELDING. HE CASTS A DISPARAGING EYE TOWARDS THE VARIOUS AUSTEREO TEAMS AND A CARDBOARD CUT-OUT OF CHRIS LILLEY WHICH THE CHANNEL 9 TEAM ARE ATTEMPTING TO PUT THROUGH THEIR SHREDDER, BEFORE FIXING HIS GAZE ON THE IRKSOME TROUBLEMAKERS SO KEEN TO BE SEEN PLAYING UP: THE CHASER BOYS, WHO'VE FINALLY DECIDED TO ROCK UP. A SHAKE OF THE HEAD PRECEEDS THE READING OF HIS WRITTEN STATEMENT.

HE POINTS ACCUSSINGLY AT THE CHASER TEAM. THEY GIGGLE.

THE CHASER TEAM RELUCTANTLY STAND.

As for the rest of you...where to start? The structure and layout of your programme is eerily reminiscent to that of The Late Show and The Mick Molloy Show. Yet, despite this, your "banter" and between sketch chats remain as rigid as Andrew Bolt. What's the point in stealing elements from other shows if you don't even utilise their strengths? Disappointing.

Ah, "disappointing", a word almost synonymous with your last season. The satire, boys, the satire. Much like John Safran's various programmes, you've sought to poke fun at various establishments and entertainers, however, again the point was lost. Whereas Safran made intelligent and, importantly, funny points about his targets, you boys have refused to engage with your material on a level beyond dressing stupidly. Again, if you're going to plagiarise, plagiarise the best bits of a show.

There was one instance where you did this. A recent sketch of yours showing people worshiping the remnants of fecal matter in a toilet bowl. The fecal matter looked like Jesus. A funny idea, yes, but a STOLEN one. The evidence is here:

Your sketch:

JUDGE COMEDY SLAMS HIS GAVEL BEFORE STORMING OFF.

ANDREW HANSEN APPEARS WITH A GUITAR AND A HECK OF A HAIRCUT. HE BEGINS STRUMMING 'BLOWIN' IN THE WIND' BY BOB DYLAN.

CHRIS LILLEY APPEARS AS HIS NEW CHARACTER, CROSBY STILLS NASH AND YOUNG. THEN WALKS OFF.

HANSEN FOLLOWS LILLEY.

	THE 'MORE EFFORT INTO THEIR HAIRSTYLES THAN THEIR MATERIAL' AWARD Wil Anderson - 57.14% Because he's still worth it. Wil Anderson was funny once. Sadly, his hairstyle is all he has left. - Bean Is A Carrot I almost voted for Andrew Hansen, simply because his hairstyle is the beginning and end of his material. But at some point in the distant, unreachable past Hansen's hairstyling pranks were clearly meant to be a joke. Anderson's grooming efforts have never had anything to do with comedy, and everything to do with trying to distract his audience from the fact that nothing he does has anything to do with comedy. - 13 schoolyards Was it Tony Martin who said that thing about Wil Anderson spending all day before a gig deciding which pair of khaki pants to wear before realising minutes before the show that he should probably write some material? Either way, that thing. - Moribunderast NOMINEES Andrew Hansen - 28.57% Hamish & Andy - 14.29% Last year's winner: Wil Anderson

O'BRIEN
And the winner is Wil Anderson. That's Wil's second win in a row in this category. And I think we can cross over to the Tally Room's in-house hairdressing salon, Old Wonky Neville's Old Fashioned Barber Shop Store, where Wil and the other nominees are right now...

WIL ANDERSON, ANDREW HANSON AND HAMISH & ANDY ARE ALL MILLING AROUND. OLD WONKY NEVILLE IS VERY OBVIOUSLY CHRIS LILLEY TESTING A NEW CHARACTER: A BARBER, WHO CUTS HAIR. COMEDIAN HAIR. A COMEDY BARBER. LILLEY STANDS BLANKLY LOOKING INTO CAMERA. O'BRIEN DOESN'T SEEM TO KNOW WHAT TO SAY. LILLEY SORT OF LOOKS LIKE AN OLD BARBER. NOT QUITE ACTUALLY, HE LOOKS MUCH TOO YOUNG AND DOESN'T REALLY LOOK OR SOUND OR FEEL IN CHARACTER AT ALL. AND HE ISN'T REALLY SAYING ANYTHING.

THE TALLY ROOM IS SILENT. SOMEBODY COUGHS. O'BRIEN SHUFFLES PAPER.

LILLEY
Laughs, hair.

O'BRIEN
Yes...

LILLEY
Laughs. Hair of laughs. Funny.

O'BRIEN
Er...

HAMISH & ANDY COME OVER TO THE CAMERA.

ANDY
Yeah.

LILLEY
Haircuts, important. Modern comedy. Funny stuff.

CAMERON ADAMS OF THE 'HERALD SUN' APPEARS WITH A LOUD HAILER BORROWED FROM THE CHASER.

ADAMS HANDS LILLEY THE LOUD HAILER. LILLEY LOOKS INTO IT. SMELLS IT.

O'BRIEN
I thought Carbon Cops was alright...

ENTER BRIAN CADD.

O'BRIEN
Hi Brian.

CADD
G'day! Do you know what I like the best about being a muso?

O'BRIEN
The drugs?

CADD
Ha ha ha! No! It's simple, Kerry. I love being able to sing songs without having to worry about Jonathan Coleman appearing and starting to talk at me about the ending of the last Harry Potter book, spoiling it all. I can just turn up the noise and rock on and I don't even know he is there half the time!

PRIME MINISTER KEVIN RUDD SUDDENLY AND FOR NO GOOD REASON APPEARS OUT FROM BEHIND A POT PLANT AND TIM FLANNERY'S BEARD.

O'BRIEN
Alright, this is getting a bit off topic now, we might move on...

CADD
Latches are pretty good though.

O'BRIEN
Moving from latches to injustice is the kind of segue Anna Coren manages to make look effortless. Unfortunately, all Today Tonight's crack writing team have come up with for us is the following: "Getting a bad latch can ruin your day. Having to pay $60 for one is a real injustice. And speaking of injustice..."

	GREATEST INJUSTICE Get This' axing - 80.00% How come? Still not happy about the axing of the BEST show ever. - Mel JOHNSON The Australian comedy industry unplugs its own life support machine. - bithez A cult show with a huge audience getting the axe is bad enough, the fact that no other commercial networks wanted to pick it up is even more distressing for Australian comedy in general. - shunkymonky NOMINEES Molloy Boy Production's refusal to release Boytown Confidential - 20.00% Peter Helliar's new job - 0.00%

O'BRIEN
Well, give the popularity of Get This in the electorate, this result is not a surprise. Bean Is A Carrot, could you take us through the results...

BEAN IS A CARROT
Yes a worthy winner, but poor Tony Martin. Just when he's got a hit radio programme on his hands and a chance to make that great movie he's always wanted to make, a bunch of idiot radio executives axe his show and his former comedy partner and friend blocks the release of his film. To add insult to injury the money that would have gone into making Get This series three is handed to Peter Helliar...

13 SCHOOLYARDS
Presumably so he can go around and stick a wig and Collingwood jumper on every radio in Melbourne - how else will people know when he's doing his comedy character Straunchie?

BEAN IS A CARROT
Indeed, but the fate of Get This highlights one of Australian comedy's greatest problems. Executives can't tell talent from turds. For them a funny man is footy-loving bloke who tells it like is or a good looking 20-30 something with a few observations about Paris Hilton being a "mole" that'll go down well with the ladies. The idea that one of the funniest men in Australia is a skinny, speccy nerd who knows more about Fellini than football would not cross their minds. But we knew this anyway. It explained Martin's previous run of bad luck in 2005, when none of the pilots he worked on got made. Even the one with Shaun Micallef.

And it was due to this run of bad luck that Martin's old pal Mick Molloy offered Tony the role of Kenny Larkin in Boytown. A subplot in Boytown involves Larkin shooting the observational documentary Boytown Confidential, so Molloy invited Martin to make this documentary for real as a DVD extra. The resulting film however did not appear on the DVD, apart from a five minute trailer. A few months after the DVD's release the 'Herald Sun' revealed that Molloy had refused to allow Boytown Confidential to appear on the DVD for financial reasons. Martin claimed he'd offered to cover the costs himself in order to see the film released, but Molloy had refused. The two now only speak through lawyers. The tragedy of their broken friendship and the fact that they will probably never work together again is matched by Martin's claim that Boytown Confidential is one of his best works. We will probably never know for sure.

O'BRIEN
13 schoolyards, anything further to add on these results?

13 SCHOOLYARDS
Just a few words on Peter Helliar... He's probably a nice bloke. He knows his football. He seems to really get along with Rove... But there are roughly three thousand people funnier than him in the Melbourne CBD alone and none of them are being paid a fortune to work on breakfast radio. His new gig on Triple M is an injustice not because breakfast radio deserves better - though co-host Myf Warhurst and panel operator Richard Marsland do - but because even if he's not being paid the million dollars the media claim, he's certainly being paid too damn much. Community radio jocks are funnier than him and they work for free: that should be his starting salary and the only way to go from there is down.

CHRIS LILLEY APPEARS DOING THE CHARACTERS OF THE THREE THOUSAND OR SO FUNNIER PEOPLE THAN HELLIER IN THE MELBOURNE CBD. HE PAUSES AND THEN MOVES OUT OF THE BUILDING, JOSTLING AND CHORTLING AMONGST HIMSELF.

GREEN
According to the computer everybody loves Chris Lilley!

O'BRIEN
Not as much as the winner of the next award I'll bet! Not yet anyway!

	LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD FOR CRAP COMEDY Daryl Somers - 58.33% Hey Hey it's Somer's Day! What kind of hypnotic trance has Daryl Somers whipped Australia into to have them believe he has talent? Quite possibly the most confusing Australian celebrity to me, just because I genuinely don't understand what his appeal is, was or ever will be. - Moribunderast Because he's so desperate to get a revival of Hey Hey It's Saturday up and running (even though no-one currently alive wants it back) he quit Seven to go hang around Nine's front door. Forget global warming - if Nine put him on the air, this continent will become uninhabitable within weeks. - 13 schoolyards Sure, he made obscenely lairy jumpers the thing to have in 1986, but it was his strange mix of inferiority complex and terryfing megolomania, and the intense and misplaced conviction that he was more gifted and ultimately human than the primarily velcro ostrich puppet alongside him, that out shone him for Saturday after Saturday for over fifteen years, that guarantees his honorary name plate in the boardwalk of sub-Ugly Dave Gray talent. - oceanthroats NOMINEES Matt Tilley - 25.00% Dave Hughes - 16.67% Last year's winner: Ian McFadyen

O'BRIEN
No real surprise there, but if we could turn to the nominees first, some said Matt Tilley was too young to be nominated here. The same went for Dave Hughes...

13 SCHOOLYARDS
Yes, but seriously - does anyone believe they're ever going to change? They're just going to keep on doing the exact same crap year in year out for the next three decades, maybe changing radio stations, maybe turning up on TV a bit more or less, until eventually the sun goes out. Matt Tilley is never going to suddenly write a great novel. Dave Hughes is never suddenly going to become a brilliant actor. They're just going to keep on making crap comedy.

O'BRIEN
But the winner was Daryl Somers...

13 SCHOOLYARDS
Yes, a man who a year or so ago looked like his comedy days were where they belonged: in the past. OK, he'd try to crack a few jokes while hosting Dancing with the Stars and the arrogance that constantly simmers beneath his wafer-thin layer of faux charm was as obvious as ever. But it seemed that he was content to be a TV show host, propping up other people's formats with his unique mix of smarm and face-pulling. Of course, it couldn't last. Rumours started surfacing about Daryl's desire to revive Hey Hey it's Saturday. There was talk that he'd filmed a tonight show pilot. And it became clear that in Daryl's mind, Hey Hey's axing had robbed the nation of a much loved venue for Daryl to be Daryl.

It's easy to let the passing of time cloud your judgement. It's easy to look back on Hey Hey and think "that wasn't so bad". What's difficult is to remember how amazingly painful Hey Hey was for the last decade of so of its pointless existence. The catchphrases repeated until they lost all meaning. John Blackman's inane babblings. Sounds effects so surreal they seemingly belonged in a bad arthouse film. A man in a duck costume trying to have sex with guests. A head on a stick making jokes about Molly Meldrum's sexuality. Bland pop acts miming forgettable tracks. Female sidekicks dumped the second they demonstrated any individual thought. And ruling over it all, Daryl himself, his barely concealed hostility towards anyone who dared challenge him giving the show the creepy atmosphere of an abusive household. Each week he seemed to edge closer towards the moment when he'd simply stand behind his desk cleaning a gun while everyone else laughed hysterically at everything he said.

For the last fifteen years his TV career has had nothing to do with being funny and everything to do with getting people to look at him. Australian comedy doesn't need him back. Australian comedy doesn't want him back. Australian comedy has no use for a passive-aggressive bully on-air who - if reports from the set of Hey Hey are to be believed - is a plain old up-front bully off-air. But given this is the Australian television industry, chances are he'll be back with a tonight show before the end of 2008.

O'BRIEN
Oooh, that got a bit below the belt! What do you think Jack?

JACK
It's a bit like Wilson 'Iron Bar' Tuckey and Clive Robertson naked in a telephone booth with a belt and a giant dalamation with...

O'BRIEN FIRES JACK OUT OF A GIANT SLINGSHOT. JACK FLIES OVER VARIOUS STATES AND LANDS IN A NICE ROCKY MOUNTAIN RANGE ALONGSIDE QUENTIN DEMPSTER.

	THE 'RISING FROM THE ASHES' AWARD FOR QUALITY COMEDY Get This - 75.00% Alright, that's good stuff! Truly something that made every workday bearable, even fun, for those two hours. I'd be hard pressed to think of a comedy show that has meant more to me than this one did, as it really became something I relied on to push the blues away. Here's hoping they find something else to do. It would be a terrible shame for that amazing chemistry to go unused. - Moribunderast God speed the vengabus of angels. - shunkymonky Clarke & Dawe continue to delight and astound and Newstopia showed that Micallef & Co. have still got it, but Get This was a triumph of writing, production, team chemistry and quantity. It was radio comedy to the max. There is empty whole in my life now that it is gone. - Bean Is A Carrot NOMINEES Newstopia - 16.67% Clarke & Dawe on The 7.30 Report - 8.33% Last year's winner: Get This

O'BRIEN
2007 may have given us more Kyle Sandilands than would seem necessary and the soul-destroying mediocrity of Surprise Surprise Gotcha, but it also gave us more of Get This, a show which many describe as the greatest comedy programme on Australian radio for a decade...

BEAN IS A CARROT
Yes and even the agony of its axing seemed counterbalanced by the ecstasy of the show itself, for it was a show that caught the mood of a nation desperate for change in so many areas. It was a cruel irony that the show, with its pointed political satire that had probably contributed to John Howard's defeat, should end the day before the election. Get This was also a show which had dared to suggest an alternative model for commercial radio, one which not only featured satire, but intelligent discussion of obscure topics and superbly executed scripted comedy. On a network where most shows consist of bland jocks and giggling female sidekicks spouting inanities between tracks by Hinder, it is perhaps unsurprising that Austereo's executives didn't know what to do with Get This. That they chose to axe the programme which had proved all their theories about radio wrong showed that they are gutless creeps who hold their audiences in contempt. Sadly, it is people like that who decide which comedy programmes make it to air and they are the reason for these awards.

Also of note in 2007 were Clarke & Dawe, now in their 20th year and still as funny and biting as ever.

13 SCHOOLYARDS
And Newstopia, which might not have been Micallef at the top of his game, but had more than enough flashes of surreal brilliance to make it worth both his and our time. Even better, it marked the end of the decade-long trend in Australian television of only ever having one kind of comedy show on air at once. Newstopia did news satire better than the news desk segment on Rove, it did political satire better than The Chaser, even in small doses and it did character comedy better than Summer Heights High. Suddenly not only did we have a show doing all these things well, but we had a show that lifted the bar for the others. It'll be interesting to see whether the challenge is accepted in 2008: already both he Chaser and Chris Lilley have indicated that, for at least part of the year they won't be back on TV. So things, for once, are looking up.

O'BRIEN
And while we're focusing on the future, here are some other predictions for Australian comedy in 2008:

Jonah from Summer Heights High will be arrested by the police on Police 10-7. The "how come?" guy will still be a lot funnier. Rebel Wilson will get her own breakfast show, morning show, afternoon news break, prime time game show and tonight show. Australia will be denounced in the United Nations. Every single show made in Australia will become a panel show, including the weather report and Crimestoppers. The officials from the Lotto draw will win seven Logies as a result. In 2008 we can expect more shameless You Tube clip shows, further Up-Late Game Show-style experiments, a few new breakout Big Brother stars and the much anticipated emergence of 'Generation Helliar', a fresh vanguard of young scamps with dumb luck and the criminal lack of a single fruit slice of an idea between them, but a wig and a comical AFL character to get Rove excited enough to sign them up as joke testers for Dave Hughes. We can also look forward to another year of planted stories suggesting Chris Lilley has been seen in Mount Isa preparing for a new programme by posing as the local butcher, chemist, mayor, ABC reporter, drunkard, Mormon, chimney sweep, child prodigy and yacht. There will be a year of these oddly pointless stories and no new programme, but at least we know he's providing a rural township with...humour? Someone who was offended by this ceremony because they disagreed with our cutting comments on Wil Anderson's hair does a parody of these awards called The Australian Grumbleweeds. It involves liberal use of the word "cunt" and isn't funny. March 2008 should see the return of clown prince of comedy crime Dave Hughes to the small screen, hosting a horse racing panel programme with Ed Phillips and Ray Barrett from Don's Party, in a long-winded warm up to the Melbourne Cup. Which Hughsie will joke about constantly: "It's the race that stops the nation! Maaatttee!" Hughsie will enter the television studio via the car park every show in one of those Holdens he is always spruiking. Daryl Somers will be watching at home and fuming that he can do a whole lot better, and be sort of right for once. Around July Chris Lilley and his impression of the entire town of Mount Isa (the original inhabitants will have got bored and moved to Quilpie) will march on Canberra demanding three cans of creaming soda each, which he will proceed to drink, as each keenly character (well, some of them have different coloured wigs, others wear dresses...) for about forty eight hours. It'll wind up on You Tube and the Swedes will find it interesting enough to put on their You Tube download programme, which isn't very good at all, but at least there's no sign of that Bree lady. November will be a watershed month. Hooray, it's Matt Tilley Day on the 13th. The entire nation will go to their jobs, watch their Peter Helliar DVDs, smoke their Woodbines, paint pictures of turtle shells, the whole time not listening to Matt Tilley at all. Tilley will get paid and radio stations will broadcast his prank calls nonetheless. This is Matt Tilley day! Somebody somewhere will remember that programme Get This and wonder why out of everything else on the TV and radio, it isn't on anymore. This person will be a new Chris Lilley character, 'Roger the Thing Man', a horse racing commentator with a difference: He thinks horses are grate! And he has a black wig. And a lisp! November will also be filled with rumours about the new Chris Lilley programme, Roger leaves Mount Isa only for Mount Isa to follow him, oh ho. In December Prime Minister Kevin Rudd will announce a cabinet reshuffle and Chris Lilley will play every role in the new frontbench. After toying with a bunch of new characters Lilley will have settled for the stuck-up school girl from his first two series and...'Roger the Thing Man'. The lisp always works. Rudd will start talking about Brian Cadd and how much he wishes Cadd wrote more songs about latches. On the last day of the year Daryl Somers will announce he is leaving planet earth, his work finished. Nobody will know what this means until they notice that Rebel Wilson is reading the news on every station, there are giant statues of Hamish & Andy in every front yard and Tony Martin has been forced to live in his Fortress of Solitude in the North Pole. Cheer up though! It might not happen yet!

O'BRIEN
Well 2008 should be another great, er, grating year for Australian comedy. And speaking of grating, for no reason in particular we're now joined on the panel by former Prime Minister John Howard. Mr Howard, what do you make of Chris Lilley's stunning showing tonight?

HOWARD
I think Chris has done a grate job, did a great job and it brings me back to what I really want to talk about, which is the old ABC series Patrol Boat.

O'BRIEN
I knew this would come up!

HOWARD
Bear with me Kerry, it'll all make sense eventually. I think everyone knows I had a difficult 2007. I lost a Federal election. I had to clean out the shed: stubbed my toe on a paint can, nasty. It wasn't very pleasant. Get This getting the arse didn't help much either, Alexander Downer and I were both pretty big fans of Get This. But I found my way back, Kerry and the main reason I found my way back was Patrol Boat. That's right, the old 1980's TV series. I found a large box of old Patrol Boat videos in the attic a week after I lost the election while I was looking for some old tea sets with Dame Pattie Menzies' giant ugly head on them.

It got me thinking Kerry, Patrol Boat was such a great show for conservatives: lets do a remake! So I started working on a script straight away. Patrol Boat was one of those shows that made me want to talk about water craft after getting into power. It made me realise that I could be the Prime Minister and still talk about radar, jetties, knots, all of that nautical stuff. Robert Coleby was my favourite. Andrew McFarlane was alright, but his black armband view of parrot smuggling tended to get on my nerves in the earlier episodes. He woke up to himself later on, of course.

The fifth series was the one for me. That was the series where the Patrol Boat started to go inland to chase the parrot smugglers overland. That was very good. I based my first stint as opposition leader on the seventh episode of that fifth series, when Coleby and McFarlane climbed Ayers Rock and started talking about how great Sir Jim Killen was. Notice I said Ayers Rock, not Uluru.

HE CHUCKLES.

O'BRIEN
Didn't they do that already with Sea Patrol?

HOWARD
Sea Patrol was an entirely different programme Kerry, for one thing Lisa McCune was cast instead of Robert Coleby. First mistake. Secondly, instead of parrot smugglers it is suggested that people smugglers are the main problem. Weak premise. Everyone knows the Australian Navy's nemesis is the crafty parrot smuggler, has been for fifty years.

O'BRIEN
But your government was always banging on about people smugglers?

HOWARD
A cunning ruse, Kerry.

O'BRIEN
OK...but how does this relate to Chris Lilley?

HOWARD
That's the main change, in fact the only change I made to the series. Whenever a parrot smuggler appears, I wrote in crayon beside it, "Chris Lilley". So he will play any of the parrot smugglers, any of the...any of the parrot smugglers. I think they were the roles he was born to play.

O'BRIEN
Alright, well we have to move on Mr Howard...

HOWARD
Before you do Kerry, there's one thing I want to say about you. Right from the start of my time in office you and I have battled on your programme, at least once a week, often about whether Robert Coleby should have quit Axiom when he did, I think yes, otherwise there wouldn't have been any Patrol Boat, but I always felt that underneath it all you were a complete and utter bastard. And almost certainly a parrot smuggler.

A SMALL ROSELLA EMERGES FROM O'BRIEN'S POCKET AND FLIES AWAY.

O'BRIEN
(TO DIRECTOR) What next? I suppose Jack the Insider is going to come back and crap on about parrots now, is he?

JACK
I'm afraid I haven't written anything about parrots, Kerry.

O'BRIEN
Good. And before you have a chance to, I'm going to wrap up tonight's coverage of the 2007 Australian Tumbleweeds...

MARTIN
Hang on Kerry, what about my film?

O'BRIEN
(TO DIRECTOR) Can we show it yet? ...It's been dropped?! Mick Molloy, what's the problem now?

MOLLOY
It'd make me look bad, er, I mean...um...er...

HE PRETENDS TO FAINT.

MOLLOY
Er, no they're not.

MOLLOY REMEMBERS HE'S SUPPOSED TO HAVE FAINTED. HE STARTS SNORING UNCONVINCINGLY.

JACK
While he's doing that, Richard and I have just written a few words on parrots...

O'BRIEN
(TO CAMERA) For God's sake, roll the credits!

THE CREDITS START TO ROLL OVER CONTINUING FOOTAGE OF THE ACTION FROM THE TALLY ROOM. JACK THE INSIDER STARTS FLAPPING HIS ARMS AROUND, ATTEMPTING SOME KIND OF PARROT MIME. TONY MARTIN CAN BE SEEN ANGRILY DISCUSSING THE SITUATION WITH HIS LAWYER ON THE PHONE. HE CAN ALSO BE HEARD THROUGH THAT GIANT MICROPHONE THE CHASER LEFT LYING AROUND.

CHRIS LILLEY APPEARS AMUSINGLY DISGUISED AS BRIAN CADD AND GLEN SHORROCK. OR AXIOM.

ROBERT COLEBY APPEARS IN FULL PATROL BOAT REGALIA, WITH JOHN HOWARD FOLLOWING BEHIND WITH A CAMERA AND TAPE RECORDER, ASKING HIM FOR MEMORIES OF SERIES 7, EPISODE 9: 'ANOTHER PARROT SMUGGLER COPS IT', WRITTEN BY NOELENE BROWN AND HER HUSBAND (YOU KNOW, THE GUY WHO SPOKE AT GRA GRA'S FUNERAL).

LILLEY/AXIOM BEGIN SINGING 'A LITTLE RAY OF SUNSHINE'. O'BRIEN BECOMES EMOTIONAL, AS DOES JOE HOCKEY.

CHAS FROM THE CHASER JOINS THE THRONG IN THE TALLY ROOM IN ORDER TO GIVE THE BOYS IN THE EDITING ROOMS SOME FOOTAGE TO SHAPE INTO A TEN MINUTE SEGMENT ON NEXT WEEK'S POST-TUMBLIES SPECIAL, BUT HE CAN'T SWITCH ON HIS LOUD HAILER.

MATT LUCAS APPEARS DRESSED-UP AS SHARON STREZLECKI'S SISTER AND OFFERS CHAS BATTERIES FOR HIS LOUD HAILER, BUT THEY'RE THE WRONG BATTERIES. LUCAS LEAVES IMMEDIATELY AND FLIES BACK TO THE UK.

GERARD HENDERSON CAN BE SEEN ROOTING AROUND IN BINS FOR MORE DISCARDED LATTE CUPS. SO FAR HE'S ONLY FOUND THREE MORE.

MORE CHRIS LILLEY CHARACTERS APPEAR, INCLUDING HIS IAN MCFADYEN CHARACTER, HIS KYLE SANDILANDS CHARACTER, HIS MATT TILLEY CHARARCTER, HIS WIL & LEHMO CHARACTER, HIS CHASER'S WAR ON EVERYTHING CHARACTER, HIS PETER RUSSELL-CLARKE CHARACTER AND HIS 'ORIGINAL CAST OF HAIR' CHARACTER.

CHAS LEAVES AND RETURNS WITH A NEW LOUD HAILER.

ROBERT COLEBY SMILES. JOHN HOWARD SMILES. THE LOUD HAILER RUNS OUT OF BATTERIES. CHAS SMILES. AND SOMEBODY STARTS AN AMUSING FACEBOOK GROUP CALLED 'I like it when Chas smiles, he makes me want to reinvent flower teas, ah ha!'

THE CREDITS COME TO THEIR END.

ALL
At last!

CUT TO THE TAPE.

CAPTION: 'ROCKSTAR: THE CHAD KROEGER STORY'.

ABC IDENT. FADE TO BLACK.