DRUM ROLL.

ANNOUNCER
Live from the Sphinx Entertainment Centre, Geelong, it's the 1st Annual Cookd & Bombd Australian Tumbleweed Awards. And here's your host, Bert Newton.

CHONG LIM WHIPS HIS ORCHESTRA UP INTO A FRENZY AND AS THE MUSIC SWELLS, BERT ENTERS TO TUMULTUOUS APPLAUSE.

Not all of you reading this will know that these awards are based on an original British awards ceremony called the Comedy Tumbleweed Awards. And like any British concept brought over to Australia, we've made a cheaper and shonkier version - more than appropriate given the current state of Australian comedy.

While once upon a time Aussie comedy at least had the decency to announce what it was ripping off (Are You Being Served, for example) we now get shadowy network 'comedy experts' telling all and sundry that the only way their show will get on air is if it's 'more like The Office'. Did we need to see Chris Lilley's David Brent clone in We Can Be Heroes when we could have had another effete character performing a series of 'ironic' musical numbers? Did Hamish Blake have to spend the entirety of Real Stories trying to sound like Ricky Gervias no matter what character he was playing? Did the Up-Late Game Show have to take the idea of a show built around tedium and embarassment and drag it out for three hours every weeknight?

Once Australian comedy could hold its head high with original world-class failures like Brass Monkeys, Bingles, and The Bob Morrison Show - and that's just the 'B's - but today we're reduced to ripping off flash-in-the-pan shows from overseas. Not from the US, mind you - they can afford writers over there. And not any of those shows featuring actual jokes, either. But if it involves a lot of awkward pauses, drawn-out silences and no more than three smirk-inducing moments per episode, there'll be an Aussie version out by the end of the year. Probably as a 2am infomercial, though, as most of the commercial networks don't seem interested in developing new comedy, and the ABC's broke.

It's a grim situation - one that probably explains this year's...

	WORST COMEDY NEWCOMER Camilla Severi Most annoying Hired for breakfast radio on the strength of her ability to laugh-off being hit in the face with a penis, Camilla has still proven to have slightly more talent than most of the failing and failed stand-up hacks littering the breakfast radio no-man's land. But she is still about the worst newcomer this year. - oceanthroats There's nothing like having your dignity taken from you in the eye of the national media, and then losing any chance at sympathy you might have gotten for it by accepting a job on the basis that you are known for having your dignity taken from you in the eye of the national media. - R.Q.E. NOMINEES Shane Jacobson Heath Franklin

NEWTON
The brave new world of 'reality television' receiving what it deserves, there. And congratulations to Camilla. Unfortunately Camilla can't be with us tonight as she's busy preparing for B105's New Look Breakfast Show. Joining her on the show are Stewart 'Stav' Davidson and ex-Kyle and Jackie O regular Labrat, so Camilla's experience of being at close range to dicks will certainly come in handy!

For those of you wondering about Shane Jacobson's nomination here, hard as it is to believe, it only feels like Kenny the poo-talking plumber has been around for a decade. Clearly Shane believes there's no such thing as over-exposure, especially when your entire schtick consists of making jokes like 'Is there a lot of money in toilets? Mate, there's a shitload'. I remember when Pete Smith first told me that one back in 1959 - only difference is, Pete didn't turn it into a movie. And he only told it once. And he had on one of those spinning bow-ties.

Heath Franklin and the rest of the Ronnie Johns team aren't strictly newcomers either, but their middling sketch series deserves a mention. While occasionally funny and intelligent, they tend to be over-reliant on catchphrases and recurring characters. Something the winner of our next award knows quite a lot about.

	WORST COMEDY ACTOR Jordon Raskopoulous Comedy suicide bomber I don't care who he played in Ronnie Johns, just fucking give him this award. - R.Q.E. Who knew that one day we'd look back warmly on the naturalistic performances of Russell Gilbert in The Comedy Company? - 13 schoolyards NOMINEES - Adam Zwar - Mike Goldman

RASKOPOULOUS COMES UP TO ACCEPT THE AWARD.

RASKOPOULOUS
I've got my eye on youse!

NEWTON
Congratulations on standing out from the Ronnie Johns pack, Jordon...whichever one of the team you are. Are you the one in the hat?

RASKOPOULOUS SHAKES HIS HEAD.

The papier mache horse the hat guy rides?

RASKOPOULOUS SHAKES HIS HEAD AGAIN.

There's no-one else on the damn show!

RASKOPOULOUS
Gnocchi?

NEWTON
Oh wait, I do remember seeing a John that made me laugh during your show...

RASKOPOULOUS BEAMS WITH PRIDE AND NODS FRANTICALLY.

...but you're not funny enough to be Crazy John, the discount mobile phone mascot.

RASKOPOULOUS LEAVES IN A HUFF.

(CONTINUING) And bad luck to Adam Zwar, whose unique comedy style of staring off into space while saying his lines in a very soft voice, no matter what character he was playing, made him one of the most memorable performers on The Wedge, after the fence-post that farmer character kept leaning on, a set of traffic lights briefly glimpsed in episode 12, and the space in the credits where Steve Vizard's name was...right up to the moment he was dragged back into court over yet another corporate fraud investigation.

Mike Goldman arrived in 2006 as a genuinely terrible comedy actor. With the Friday Night Games warming jittery audiences up for another six months of Big Brother entertainment on the Gold Coast, Goldman gave a textbook demonstration of how not to act...as yourself. Presenting the forerunners of the Up-Late Game Show, UpLate and Friday Night Live, Goldman produced performances as hammy as anything Peter Russell-Clarke ever churned out. But instead of offering genuinely useful egg recipes, he gave us: himself.

But enough about the boys, it's time to celebrate the work of this year's...

	WORST COMEDY ACTRESS JOINT WINNERS Rebel Wilson The New Mickey Robbins There may be less talented actresses around, japing the night away, but none of them come as highly recommended by clueless 'comedy veterans' like Ian McFadyen and Ted Knight as Wilson. Anyone who lands so consistently in utter rubbish is going to get tarnished and pecked by ravens eventually. - oceanthroats Julia Zemiro The New Paul McDermott I voted for Zemiro because she tried to do real character acting on Thank God You're Here and was totally forgettable on The Wedge, a show so shithouse that even a mildly retarded performance would have looked like comedy gold. Plus, hosting a quiz show seems to make you an inner-city icon just so long as it's on SBS. - 13 schoolyards NOMINEE Fifi Box

NEWTON
And once again The Wedge proves to be Australia's number one show for breaking new talent. Breaking them like a twig, in fact. And that's the only time Ms Wilson will be compared to a twig. But who am I to be making fat jokes? I look like a flesh-coloured Stay Puft Marshmallow Man wearing an elaborately-styled steel wool beanie.

At least Zemiro has a fall-back career writing how-to books explaining exactly how you can be a hipster indy pin-up girl when your career consists entirely of game show hosting, appearing in commercials and The Wedge. There's only room in this business for one icon hosting game shows, and he's hosting Bert's Family Feud, 5.30pm weeknights on Nine. Now that's how you work a plug in, people.

Unfortunately, Rebel Wilson and Julia Zemiro cannot be with us tonight - Wilson is living in her parents' basement surviving on beetroot and Julia Zemiro is working on future Thank God You're Here characters - she promises a character who doesn't have much personality and just sort of reacts to events around her awkwardly. So, let's move on to Worst Comedy Entertainment Personality...

THE DOOR BANGS OPEN AND AN ASIO ANTI-TERROR SQUAD BURST IN, FOLLOWED BY JOHN HOWARD.

NEWTON
Prime Minister, what are you doing here?

HOWARD
I'm sorry about this, but there are people in this room who have committed some very serious crimes of sedition...

THE AUDIENCE GASPS.

ALL
John Howard said sorry about something!

HOWARD IGNORES THIS, AS HE'S IGNORED SO MUCH IN THE PAST.

HOWARD
(CONTINUING) There are a number of so-called 'comedians' here, who have consistently mocked my government in an attempt to overthrow it by force.

FURTHER GASPS.

THE CHASER TEAM COWER UNDER THEIR TABLE, BUT NOT AS WELL AS THE LATE SHOW WOULD DO IT.

HOWARD
Don't be ridiculous, even Gerard Henderson knows those two programmes haven't attacked my government in any significant way. I'm talking about them...

THE AUDIENCE FOLLOWS HOWARD'S GAZE IN TIME TO SEE THE ASIO SQUAD HAND-CUFFING JOHN CLARKE, BRYAN DAWE AND TONY MARTIN.

Take them away, boys.

MARTIN
Since when was pissing around with interviews from Lateline seditious?

DAWE
And I think you'll find John and I are quite balanced.

CLARKE
We did Kevin Rudd the other week!

THE ASIO SQUAD BUNDLE CLARKE, DAWE AND MARTIN OUTSIDE AND INTO A WAITING VAN.

HOWARD
That's what the Austrailan people want.

GERARD HENDERSON AND ANDREW BOLT APPLAUD.

HOWARD
They were also planning to commit outrageous acts of terrorism. And John Clarke once threw one of his kids into the sea. Not to mention that Martin and Clarke weren't even born here.

NEWTON
What about Dawe?

HOWARD
Consorting with a foreign national.

HENDERSON and BOLT
Shame!

NEWTON
And what proof do you have to back up your claims?

HOWARD
I can't tell you that because it would breach national security.

NEWTON
So, it's all totally untrue.

HOWARD
I don't recall.

NEWTON
But you just said you can't tell me because it would breach national security.

HOWARD
I don't recall.

NEWTON
(SIGHING) Mr Howard, as you're here, would you like to announce the winner of the next award?

HOWARD
It would be my pleasure...

	WORST COMEDY ENTERTAINMENT PERSONALITY Wil Anderson Pretty, vacant I guess teenage girls need someone good-looking to laugh at. - R.Q.E. If someone in the 2007 Big Brother house cracks two jokes in a row, he's out of a job. - 13 schoolyards NOMINEES Rove McManus Corinne Grant

HOWARD
It's my great honour to present this award to one of my most very favourite comedians who isn't dead. Sure, some may think that his supposedly relentless attacks on my government (not to mention his dreamy good looks and stylish sense of fashion that have the ladies in Cabinet swooning) would have me a little riled-up. But no: if he wasn't out there courting controversy by calling members of my party 'pig-rooters', the kids might actually listen to someone pointing out how badly I've screwed them over this last decade. Thanks to Wil's media prominence, they can sit in front of their parents' TVs saying 'You tell 'em, Wil!'. Then, roll over and go back to sleep feeling like they've done their work attacking the system, waking-up the next morning refreshed and not even noticing it costs them a hundred grand to go to uni. Wil Anderson, I salute you!

HOWARD LEAVES, PROBABLY POWER-WALKING OR READING A BIOGRAPHY OF DON BRADMAN OR SOMETHING.

NEWTON
Thank you, Prime Minister. Unfortunately Wil Anderson can't be with us tonight. He was going to come but he just couldn't find the right pair of the cargo pants for the occasion. So let's take a look at those who narrowly missed out on winning this award...

Starting with Rove. Considering his wife just died...

PAUSE FOR AUDIENCE TO GO "AWWW".

...of cancer...

PAUSE FOR EVEN GREATER "AWWWS".

...while cuddling a puppy...

AUDIENCE FALLS OVER ITSELF TO GO "AWWW".

...there's pretty much nothing critical I can say that won't have the media baying for my blood like a pack of rabid hounds. Theirs truly was the greatest romance of the century. Involving a talk show host and a B-grade soap star.

And what does Corrine Grant have to do to get an award? She certainly has the promise, but unless she writes a sitcom with Dave O'Neill some time soon she might have to start a comedy trio with Jo Stanley and Peter Helliar. It'd be great, they could tour for a bit, hone their act, and then take it to TV. Which would probably make them eligible for...

	WORST ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAMME JOINT WINNERS 20 to 1 Grimshaw speaks! How soon before we see 20 to 1: Top 20 episodes of 20 to 1 - R.Q.E. Rove Live A home for Hellier How many Roves must a man sit through before he can call the show bland? - Emergency Lalla Ward Ten NOMINEE The Glasshouse

NEWTON
I'd like to personally accept this award on behalf of all the dedicated staff at 20 to 1 who work so hard to put together a top hour of prime-time television every week. Mike down at the tape library, Jo in editing...yep, that's everyone. And then of course there's the host, a star of stage and screen, both big and small, a true icon of the Australian industry, an all-round nice guy who everyone speaks highly of and a war hero to boot...and then they dumped Bud Tingwell and replaced him with me.

Still, who'd have thought that so much mileage could be made from 20 random clips from sporting events, blooper reels, news stories and old episodes of Sixty Minutes, sprinkled haphazardly over 15 or so Channel Nine celebrities, Shannon Noll, and, when they could be bothered, Tony Martin. I don't know about you, but why does the order never make any sense? Except to remind us how horrible Tracy Grimshaw is? Easy to forget when she's up against something like Naomi Robson with a lizard on her shoulder, I suppose.

Then there's Rove Live. Australian television has had 50 years to get the tonight show format right, and yet week in week out Rove manages to turn what should be a passably entertaining mix of dull guests and boring music into a physically painful experience thanks to a complete and utter inability to present television or perform comedy. If you want to watch a pretty boy groping blindly for catchphrases you'd be better off with a bunch of Ben Affleck action films. Weirdly, Rove Live is a show that supposedly gets watched a lot, but no one ever defends. The only praise of Rove comes from within the 'entertainment' press itself. Nice work, guys.

The Glasshouse, meanwhile, had a false air of legitimacy, only added-to by the ridiculous conspiracy theories in the media about why it was axed. Because calling a rural politician a 'right-wing pig-rooter' is a razor-sharp observation, saying 'I'm angrrrrrry' is a cleverly considered contribution, and making yourself look silly to get a laugh makes you an 'anti-bimbo'. For once, it probably wasn't a Howard government/anti ABC bias conspiracy - The Glasshouse was a terrible show and pretty much anything would be better in its place.

Expect, of course, what actually did replace it - more crap British sitcoms even the Poms haven't heard of. Whatever happened to making our own crap sitcoms, I heard you mutter at the prompting of the giant flashing sign above my head? I'm glad you asked...

	WORST SITCOM Repeats of Last Man Standing Somebody commissioned/wrote/watched this program? Awful, awful. - oceanthroats Why didn't they just repeat Hey Dad..!? - Bean Is A Carrot NOMINEES Stupid Stupid Man Tripping Over

NEWTON
Seemingly written by pre-teen girls, directed by palsy victims and starring a cast of deodorant-commercial rejects, this hunk of Cleo-lite 'insight' into the 20-something male was torturously unfunny, astoundingly obvious and featured one episode that was almost a scene-for-scene rip-off of an episode of US sitcom Andy Ritcher Controls The Universe. So of course it was hailed as the savior of 'intelligent' Australian drama by the broadsheets, with its plummeting ratings supposedly the result of an audience who couldn't appreciate a show of such breathtaking wit and insight. Message to Seven: when something looks like shit, most people don't feel the need to spend week after week sniffing it just to make sure.

Stupid Stupid Man started off with a title that made no sense (with four men in the regular cast and none of them all that bright, just who was it referring to?), and it was all downhill from there. Despite a mildly promising situation involving the staff of a lads' mag, the cast was too large, the set-ups too long-winded, the magazine setting neither realistic enough (religious groups protesting over a 'Ten Commandments of Rooting' article? Really?), nor broad enough (not one of the articles mentioned were as funny as the real thing...and they're not that funny) to provide any laughs or interest, and...well, when you've got Bob Franklin playing a depressed advice columnist and even he's struggling, you know you're in trouble. As did pay-channel TV1, which rushed this out in hour-long blocks to get it over with.

It was a bad year for Bob Franklin, turning up as he also did in Tripping Over (the latest slice of pointless meandering from the dreaded 'makers of Seachange'), that once again looked at a bunch of well-off good-looking types who wander around with the backs of their hands nailed to their foreheads going 'woe is me, my relationship is going through a bumpy patch and I'm not sure which amazingly hot chick I should sleep with next'. As is the way with Australian television, a few supposedly comedic moments were thrown into the mix (who could forget the scene where that Aussie soapie guy tagged along to a funeral to try and learn the regional accent for a play he was doing) but as the comedy was clearly inspired yet again by The Office, all it provided was a brand new venue for cringe comedy to fail to get laughs.

And with that in mind, we'll see you on page 2...

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