RICHARD WILKINS STANDS ON A SMALL AND FRAYING SQUARE OF RED (WELL, MORE BROWN, REALLY) CARPET. INSTEAD OF THE TRADITIONAL PALM, A HALF-DEAD GUM TREE IN A PLASTIC BUCKET HAS BEEN PLACED NEXT TO HIM.
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Welcome to the 2006 Australian Tumbleweeds Red Carpet Special. You join us here, at the glamourous Sphinx Entertainment Centre, Geelong, where the stars are about to arrive.
And we have quite a crowd here this evening, including Heike, Jurgen and Stefan, who are all the way from Baden Baden, in Germany. Guten Abend!
JURGEN AND STEFAN WAVE PICTURES OF NUDGE FROM HEY DAD..! AT THE CAMERA. HEIKE HAS COME DRESSED AS BETTY BRAINBUSTER.
But first onto the red carpet is satirical duo John Clarke and Bryan Dawe. Who are you wearing tonight, gentlemen?
CLARKE:
We're not wearing anyone, we're wearing suits.
WILKINSCLARKE AND DAWE WALK ON.
WILKINSWILKINS IS TOLD IN HIS EARPIECE THAT IT WAS.
And who's this? It's top comedy producer Ian McFadyen, who has eschewed the traditional walk in favour of driving down the red carpet in a big black car...
WILKINSMCFADYEN'S CAR CAREERS PAST WILKINS. CLARKE AND DAWE MANAGE TO AVOID BEING RUN DOWN BY LEAPING ONTO A NEARBY TASTELESS STATUE AND CLINGING TO IT FOR DEAR LIFE.
McFadyen turning the 'death car' 'round now....and yes, he seems to have spotted the recently arrived Tony Martin and Ed Kavalee from Triple M's Get This. And here comes McFadyen now, driving towards the popular radio duo with great determination....and...yes...he's managed to run over Kavalee's little toe. Volunteers from St John's Ambulance rushing to assist Kavalee, now. I'm not sure what's happened to Martin...I think he's managed to escape into the Sphinx's function room dressed as one of the Wacky Waiters.
And here comes McFadyen back for more...I'll just see if I can try and talk to him. Ian! Ian! It's Richard Wilkins here.
MCFADYEN PULLS UP AND WINDS DOWN HIS WINDOW.
Ian, it's been a great year for you hasn't it?
MCFADYEN
Yes it has, Richard. There are very few Australian comedians who have not either been run down or wounded by my 'death car'.
WILKINS
I understand Mick Molloy was lucky to escape with only a severe head wound in a recent 'death car' hit outside the London Tavern.
MCFADYEN
That's right, Richard. But you know, I'm just an ordinary bloke, I wear sneakers...
HE STICKS HIS SNEAKER-WEARING FOOT THROUGH THE WINDOW
...and I'm just doing this to make sure that people remember my array of landmark comedy creations.
WILKINS
Yes, who could forget those bedtime sketches with your former wife Marianne Fahey.
MCFADYEN
Well, I didn't mean them...
WILKINS
Or when you played that bloke whose postman was Russell Gilbert.
MCFADYEN
To be honest, that one was more about Russ...
WILKINS
And you hosted Cluedo, of course.
MCFADYENMCFADYEN CLIMBS OUT OF THE 'DEATH CAR' AND GETS WILKINS IN A HEADLOCK.
WILKINS IS STRUGGLING TO BREATHE.
WILKINS
MCFADYEN LETS HIM GO.
MCFADYEN
Good.
WILKINS
Oh look Ian, there's Adam Hills.
MCFADYEN
On it.
WILKINSMCFADYEN SPEEDS OFF. WILKINS STRAIGHTENS HIMSELF OUT.
LICCIARDELLO PANICS AND RUNS OFF.
WILKINS
That got rid of him! And who's this now? Oh look! Amazingly, we've managed to get Dame Edna Everage.
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A STAGE HAND WHEELS A TELEVISION SET TOWARDS WILKINS ON WHICH DAME EDNA EVERAGE CAN BE SEEN, APPEARING LIVE VIA SATELITTE FROM LOS ANGELES.
WILKINS
EVERAGE
Hello possums! Hello Richard, hello Australia...it's lovely to be here at the first annual Australian Tumbleweed Awards. I'm sorry I can't be with you in person, or even do the voice properly, but frankly I'm far too important for regional awards evenings of this nature. So instead, I've sent along the lovely Dame Edna dancers...
EVERAGETHREE 14 YEAR OLDS FROM A LOCAL DANCE SCHOOL ARE RELUCTANTLY PUSHED IN FRONT OF THE CAMERAS. THEY ARE WEARING PURPLE TUTUS AND DAME EDNA GLASSES AND ARE UNENTHUSIASTICALLY WAVING GLADIOLIS.
WILKINSTHE THREE GIRLS START DOING A POORLY-CHOREOGRAPHED ROUTINE WHILE ONE OF THEIR PARENTS STRUGGLES THEIR WAY THROUGH DAME EDNA'S NICENESS THEME ON A ROLAND KEYBOARD.
WILKINSA FEW PERIPHERAL CAST MEMBERS FROM THE RONNIE JOHNS HALF HOUR, WHO HAPPEN TO BE WALKING PAST, GIVE A SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE.
THERE IS AN UNCOMFORTABLE PAUSE. THE DIRECTOR HAS SPILT A CUP OF COFFEE ALL OVER THE MIXING DESK AND THERE IS GENERAL CONFUSION IN THE GALLERY. WILKINS HAS NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF IAN MCFADYEN'S 'DEATH CAR' SPEEDS PAST IN HOT PURSUIT OF MARIA VENUTTI. THE PICTURE STAYS WITH THE SATELLITE FEED.
IN LOS ANGELES, THE FLOOR MANAGER INFORMS BARRY HUMPHRIES THAT IT'S OVER. HUMPHRIES RIPS THE WIG AND GLASSES OFF AND STANDS UP. HE HASN'T BOTHERED TO WEAR THE FULL DAME EDNA GEAR AND THE FLOOR MANAGER SNIGGERS AT THE SIGHT OF THE GLITTERY DAME EDNA TOP PAIRED WITH HUMPHRIES' OWN BERMUDA SHORTS, SOCKS AND SANDALS. THE FLOOR MANAGER PULLS OUT HIS CAMERA PHONE AND SNAPS A PICTURE. HUMPHRIES DECKS HIM.
IN GEELONG, THE DIRECTOR HAS MANAGED TO CLEAN UP THE COFFEE AND RAPIDLY CUTS BACK TO WILKINS.
WILKINSDAME EDNA WAVES GOODBYE.
KENNERLEY'S FACE IS ALL STRETCHED AND HIDEOUS.
One of the features of Kerri-Anne's new face is that she is now highly aerodynamic. Following recent wind tunnel testing, Channel Nine will be selling Kerri-Anne's face to Airbus, who will use it as the nosecone on the new A-380. Amazing.
Arriving now is the breakfast team from Vega 91.5FM, Dave and Denise with Shaun Micallef. Dave and Denise, there, entertaining the crowd with a selection of their latest anecdotes about their children and partners, while Shaun Micallef is doing something genuinely interesting and amusing over in the corner. Oh dear, Vega management have just spotted him...and they've covered him with a blanket and are escorting him from the premises.
Look, here comes the cast of Big Bite, Seven's shithouse 2003-04 sketch comedy show! Guys, you must be proud of the way Andrew O'Keefe and Chris Lilley have really kicked on since your show was axed?
MELISSA MADDEN-GRAY
Yeah, they're always inviting us onto their shows. Oh, wait, I'm getting them confused with the hosts of Where Are They Now?.
JAKE STONE
I nearly got onto Joker Poker once...but only because they confused me with celebrity hopeful Jake Wall.
JO GILL
Yeah, who would have thought that a talentless comedy team put together by faceless executives would fall apart the second the cameras stopped rolling?
WILKINS SENSES THAT THEY'RE ABOUT TO ASK HIM FOR WORK AND QUICKLY TURNS AWAY.
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WILKINS
And who's this pulling up now in an armoured tank? Can it be? Yes...it's comedy dictator Papa Throats, accompanied by his long time bodyguard Keith the Sniper and his son little Uday Throats. Little Uday is dressed identically to his father this evening, right down to having his own minitature AK-47. Little Uday very much the apple of his father's eye, having recently annexed one square foot of Afghanistan for the fatherland. An amazing achievement for a lad of only seven months.
UDAY THROATS LOOKS CONFUSED. PAPA THROATS LOOKS CONFUSED, BUT MARCHES ON NONETHELESS. DESPITE FEELING CONFUSED.THROATS GESTURES TO THE CROWD. THEY LOOK BACK AT HIM CONFUSED.
Also stepping out of the tank is the body of Ken Oath, closely followed by his head. Ken Oath has been legally dead for around two years now, and was recently offered the chance to host Today Tonight.
And following behind at a discrete distance, of approximately 200 kilometres, is Throat's bandmate, 13 schoolyards. 13 schoolyards, of course, is famous for his off-mic antics. During the recording of 21st Century Daryl's last album, Singlones, schoolyards was so off-mic he actually ended up on-mic. If only he'd turned around, they might have managed to record him.
A ROPE LADDER FALLS FROM THE SKY, HITTING WILKINS ON THE HEAD.
Ouch! Oh look, it's a giant carrot-shaped balloon! That can only mean one thing...
BEAN IS A CARROT CLIMBS DOWN THE FINAL FEW STEPS OF THE LADDER AND ENDS UP ON THE CARPET NEXT TO WILKINS.
Hello, Bean. How are you this evening?
BEAN
Is that microphone organic? Because I'm not talking to you if it isn't.
WILKINS
Look over there! Is that the 'death car'?
WILKINSBEAN TURNS TO LOOK FOR IT. IT IS NOWHERE TO BE SEEN. WILKINS HASTILY DIPS THE MICROPHONE IN SOME DIRT FROM THE GUM TREE'S BUCKET.
BEAN
Alright then.
WILKINS
And who are you wearing this evening, Bean?
BEAN
This is my own design, it's made from vegan cotton woven by an African tribeswomen's collective.
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WILKINS
Well you look absolutely...um...interesting.
BEAN MOVES ON.
And coming down the red carpet now is another Adelaide icon, Johnny Haysman. Johnny, of course, is famous for walking up and down Rundle Mall in a series of skin-tight outfits...and that's pretty much what he's doing this evening, just walking up and down...wearing some speedos. Great.
A CAR PULLS UP.
Something for our British viewers now - it's the only Australian comedians they've ever heard of: Paul Hogan, Kath & Kim, the bloke who played Joe Mangel and, in the boot of the car, a half-hour VHS of Fast Forward's best bits, edited by Barry Cryer to remove any confusing Australian references. And we've just heard...yes...the VHS has only been played once. And is marked 'ONLY TO BE PLAYED AGAIN IN THE EVENT OF NUCLEAR WAR'.
Alan Jones arriving now, sadly he's not wearing his trademark flared pants and orange cravat this evening...he's being discretely followed by ABC reporter Chris Masters. Oh dear, someone's thrown an egg at Alan...he's searching for something to wipe off the egg, now...and Masters has offered him some tissues, which appear to be pink. And Jones seems to have reacted badly to that and is now stalking off to the toilet to clean himself up.
Next, fresh from his shocking expose earlier this year, 'I was Russell Crowe's stooge', it's former soft-core porn magazine journalist turned broadsheet columnist Jack Marx.
MARX
S'up, Dick.
WILKINS
You're not really known for your interest in comedy, Jack. What brings you to the Tumblies?
MARX
Research, Dick. I'm working on a new article, 'I was Steve Vizard's stooge'. I've been pretending to be helping him make his latest comeback and then I'm going to expose exactly what a shady character he really is. You're going to really be shocked by this one, he's not the lovable gay flight attendant you all think he is. I don't want to give the ending away, but let's just say 'Shame, Vizard, shame'.
WILKINS
But everyone already knows that Steve Vizard's shady. We've known that for a decade or more.
MARX
I don't think so, Dick.
WILKINS
His dodgy business dealing have been all the papers.
MARX
I think you're getting him confused with, um, someone not called Steve Vizard...
WILKINS
Judges have handed down verdicts a whisker shy of calling him a thief and a bare-faced liar. He's been banned from being a company director. His reputation's in tatters. He got sacked from Nova FM breakfast in Melbourne before he could go to air...
MARX
Well, that's hardly conclusive evidence...
WILKINS
He's considered so shonky, they wouldn't even put his name in the credits for The Wedge after he worked for them as a script consultant!
MARX
Oh God, I just loaned him six grand!
MARX RUNS OFF AT HIGH SPEED.
WILKINS
The Lady Julia Morris arriving now, on a chariot being pulled by her stand-up comic husband Dan Thomas, who appears to be doing a David Tennant impression.
MORRISMORRIS GUFFAWS UNCONTROLLABLY.
Hi Richard, did you know I've become a lady? Audience, did you know I've become a lady?
WILKINSTHE CROWD STARES AT HER BLANKLY.
IAN MCFADYEN IS WASHING THE 'DEATH CAR'.
CRICKETS CHIRP IN THE BACKGROUND. MORRIS AND THOMAS MOVE ON.
And here's Stan Zemanek passing by on a gurney, whilst being operated on by brain surgeons. At almost 60 years of age, Zemanek is quite some broadcaster - despite being heavily sedated he's still complaining about socialist criminals and how Arthur Boyd was made Australian of the Year in 1995.
And here's another legendary broadcaster, John Michael Howson. I can't talk to him at the moment as he's currently on the phone to every AM radio station in the country. He seems to be having an awful lot to say about Harry Belafonte's left-wing bias. Howson, getting off the phone now, but not before he's managed to plug his shithouse musical Dusty. And now he's taking the opportunity to check his reflection in a hand mirror. Yes, he still looks like John Howard wearing a toupee. He's pleased.
And now I see, yes, it's Aussie comedy icon turned car commercial spokesman - and I'll pause here for a moment while you all mentally sort through the numerous possible candidates - Nick Giannopoulos.
GIANNOPOULOS
Gidday Richard. Love your work supporting Aussie film. Y'know, we've got the best film industry in the world, but time and time again we don't give it the support it needs. People work their guts out to make these films, the general public loves Aussie film, but the industry just doesn't give them the vital support they need. Australians need to hear Australian stories and they're the ones who're really missing out. What kind of future are we leaving for our kids when they can't hear Aussie
voices in films?
WILKINS
Sounds like you're still a little bitter over the failure of The Wannabes, Nick.
GIANNOPOULOS
As a maker of Australian films telling Australian stories...
WILKINS
Because a movie about a bunch of children's entertainers turned thieves couldn't be made anywhere else in the world?
GIANNOPOULOS
They were Australian actors...
WILKINS
Isla Fisher hasn't worked in Australia since The Wannabes, Nick.
GIANNOPOULOS
I'm Australian, Richard, so if I tell a story then it's therefore automatically an Australian story, and therefore it's heartbreaking when Australian stories don't get the support they deserve from the industry. How can anyone expect an Australian film to be successful at the box office when it's not getting any support?
WILKINS
Kenny was a huge hit at the Australian box office. Ten Canoes did well, and that was an all-Aboriginal film - can't get much more Aussie than that. Even your first film, The Wog Boy, was a huge box office hit.
GIANNOPOULOS
(GRITTING HIS TEETH) Perhaps I'm not making myself clear. When I, as an Australian, make a film I deserve the full support of the Australian film industry, and that includes film-goers. When average Aussies don't spend their money
seeing my movies, no matter how slap-dash and shithouse they are, then they're letting me down. And by letting me down, they're letting Australia down.
WILKINS
What about your reality show Get Nicked that was supposed to follow you around and show off your glamourous and exciting lifestyle? I'm guessing the TV industry isn't supportive enough of Australian shows either?
GIANNOPOULOS
Piss off.
WILKINS
Maybe you could revive Wogs Out of Work?
GIANNOPOULOS STORMS OFF.
Right...now here's Channel 7's Mel and Kochie, on a float. They're waving at the crowd and enjoying themselves.
CHAS LICCIARDELLO GOES TO DO ANOTHER BONEHEAD, BUT PRE-RECORDS IT TO ENSURE HE DOESN'T CAUSE ANY GENUINE TROUBLE.THE CROWD SCREAM AND START SINGING GREASED LIGHTENING.
MINER TODD RUSSELL LEAPS ONTO THE FLOAT. KOCHIE TRIUMPHANTLY GIVES HIM HIS BUSINESS CARD, BEFORE WAVING FOR SECURITY TO REMOVE THE BURLY TASWEGIAN.
Kochie stopping to read the crowd an extract from his joke book, now. Unfortunately the joke in question was written by the writers of David Tench Tonight...and the crowd don't like it.
WILKINS GETS A MESSAGE IN HIS EAR FROM THE DIRECTOR.
And as the Geelong fire brigade attempt to put Kochie out, and as Ian McFadyen finally parks the 'death car', it's time to say goodbye from the red carpet and hello to Bert Newton...
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