Conclusion

Well, we've come to the end of the show...thank God! Honestly, I don't think this ceremony's been very representative of mainstream opinion. Do you have any idea how many members of my Facebook group there are?! I'll show you...

DARYL GETS OUT HIS LAPTOP.

Right...number of fans...44! Oh, sorry, that's the Australian Tumbleweeds Facebook page - LOSERS!!! I have about 55 billion.

BLACKMAN
Now he's stealing The 7PM Project's material! Even I have a hard time with that.

INEXPLICABLY, SOMEONE PLAYS THE "ENTERED THEY TOGETHER, THE JACUZZI" AUDIO CLIP.

SOMERS
Anyway, 2010's here and I'll be coming back on to your screens soon - so no need to panic that there'll be any more Double Take or Beached Az...for a while at least. But what other delights can we expect in the world of comedy and entertainment this year?
  • In an effort to secure The 7PM Project's future despite declining ratings, Ten will screen nothing but The 7PM Project from 6pm until around 10.30pm each weeknight. And then buy advertising space on the other networks to show even more clips of it. By April they'll have devoted an entire digital channel to The 7PM Project. And it'll still be crap.

  • Looking to keep their reputation as the home of Australian comedy alive despite having no desire to actually hire any new comedians, the ABC will commission new series from Roy & H.G., Elle McFeast, Peter Berner, Three Men and a Baby Grand, Max Gillies, Andrew Bolt and anyone from First Tuesday Book Club who wants a show.

  • Marieke Hardy is writing a sitcom for the ABC in 2010. Just in case you thought the last bit was a joke.

  • All across Australia, decent stand-ups won't make it onto television, people who do decent segments on television won't get their own shows, and people who've done great shows in the past won't get the chance to do it again. But Wil Anderson is getting his own solo show on Pay TV so what have you got to complain about? Apart from Hey Hey... only getting 20 episodes.

  • Coming soon are new series of Swift & Shift Couriers and Hungry Beast, and currently in production are Chris Lilley's Angry Boys and a sequel to Nick Giannopoulos's film The Wog Boy. Start building your bomb shelters now - this is the comedy apocalypse! Or something else that involves a lot of zombies.
    •

    Well, it's the end of the show. And, you know, we here at Hey Hey... who's left of us...have really enjoyed being back on your screens once again. I was talking to one of the crew, Robbo, before - he's been here since 1959...no one really knows why, these awards didn't start until 2006...but Robbo's been here all the same. Anyway, we were remembering the great old days of TV light entertainment - IMT, The Don Lane Show, Countdown Revolution, Man-O-Man... - and we realised there's something that unites them all: drums. That's right, drums. And in fact everything connected with drums: drum sticks, drum skins, drum suppliers... Where would we be without the humble drum supplier? It's the humble drum supplier that binds together any good entertainment programme, in fact...

    WITHOUT WARNING, THE "NURSE" AUDIO CLIP IS PLAYED.

    You just watch it with the clips, Tregonning!

    BLACKMAN
    Daryl, Murray thought you were rambling with that drum stuff. Actually, so did I.

    SOMERS
    It's a metaphor! A metaphor for...um...actually...I don't know. I was just searching for a way to say "Please, please, please, can I stay on the telly and never get the sack again? I promise never to have blackface on the show again. Well, not very often. FOR GOD'S SAKE, 20 EPISODES AREN'T ENOUGH!!! I MUST BE ON TV EVERY DAY!!!!"

    RIOTING TUMBLIES VOTERS START TO STORM THE STAGE. SOMERS RUNS, BUT NOT BEFORE HE'S AWKWARDLY SHAKEN HANDS WITH SEVERAL OF HIS FACEBOOK FANS. THE HEY HEY BAND PLAY, BALLOONS DROP FROM THE CEILING AND THE CREDITS ROLL. JUST BEFORE HE MAKES A RUN FOR IT TOO, JOHN BLACKMAN SAYS A FEW FINAL WORDS...

    BLACKMAN
    When in Sydney, I choose to stay at my mate Barry's place. This has been a Somers-Tumblies production for the internet.

    FOR NO REASON, "FOLKS ARE DUMB WHERE I COME FROM" IS PLAYED ONE FINAL TIME. FADE TO BLACK.

     Best ComedyMargaret & David At The Tumblies